The Ego Olympics
by tongue in cheek scribe
Summary: Legolas, Prince of Mirkwood, and Haldir, March Warden of Lothlorien, have been competitors in everything for a millennium. Which will win the Ego Olympics? AU, Non-Canon. Humor. Rated PG13 for offensive language and some adult situations. R&R!
1. The Odd Thing About Elves

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Disclaimer: I do not own LOTR, or any of its characters, and do not profit from this writing - which tells you the type of twisted individual I really am. **Legolas:** I suppose you plan on putting me in this fic, alsoright? **Me:** You don't sound too upset this time, Lego **Legolas:** I have resigned myself to the fact that you are to be the bane of my existence. **Me:** Meaning? **Legolas:** I will not be able to rid myself of you till the end of days or death takes me. **Me:** Wowever the optimist, huh?

THE EGO OLYMPICS

Summery: Legolas, Prince of Mirkwood, and Haldir, March Warden of Lothlorien, have been competitors in _everything_ for a millennium. Which will win the Ego Olympics? AU, Non-Canon. Humor. Rated PG13 for offensive language and some adult situations.

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A/N: Many thanks to Avaril for the plot bunny! This one's for you, Birdbreak out the red wine and the popcorn, and have a seat on the sofa.

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Chapter 1

The Odd Thing About Elves

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Thwunk.

Thwunkthwunk.

Two tall fair-haired elves stood shoulder to shoulder at the target range, firing arrows at lightning speed at the targets across the field.

Neither one missed. Neither one _EVER_ missed. It was getting boring.

"Will you _please_ just admit that I am a better archer than you, and end this? Really, this competitive streak in you is _most_ unbecoming," Legolas, Prince of Mirkwood, said to his rival.

"I will _not_ admit it, because you are _NOT_ a better archer. You only _think_ so in your fevered imagination," Haldir, March Warden of Lothlorien replied haughtily, notching yet another arrow in his bow.

"We've been at this for hours!"

"Getting tired? Ready to concede?"

"NEVER!"

Thwunk.

Thwunkthwunk.

Darkness fell on the two Elves, still rapid-firing arrows at the targets. Another tall Elf, this one as dark as the other two were light, made his way onto the field.

"What the _hell_ is wrong with you two? Do you know what _time_ it is?"

"He won't concede," Haldir said with a sneer. "I will NOT give up until _he_ does, Elrond."

"I will _not_ concede to this conceited, walking _pisspot_!" Legolas growled, readying another arrow.

"Really, Legolashow do you stay upright with that swelled head of yours?" Haldir shot back, grabbing another arrow from his quiver.

"PUT THOSE DOWN!" Elrond roared, slapping the bows out of both the archers' hands. "You are keeping half of Rivendell awake with this nonsense! You two have been knocking heads since you were elflings - when are you going to grow up?"

"_He_ is an insufferable son-of-a-warg who refuses to admit that he has been bested!" Legolas stated, folding his arms over his chest, glaring at his opponent.

"_He_ is an obnoxious pile of Orc droppings who refuses to yield to his superiors," Haldir said, folding _his_ arms over _his_ chest, and glaring right back.

"I have had it with the both of you! For your information, _your_ father, King Thranduil" Elrond poked a finger at Legolas, "and _your_ employers, Celeborn and Galadrial" he continued, poking a finger at Haldir, "have decided that this feud is to end! No one can stand being in the same room as you two for more than a few minutes because of your constant bickering! I have been charged - much against my will, by the way - with developing a series of competitions to determine a clear-cut winner between the two of you. You will _both_ compete, you will _both_ agree to the decision of the judges, and you will _both_ knock off this stupid arrow-slinging marathon this very instant!" Elrond concluded, panting for breath.

"We have already competed against each other in every form of exercise many times without EVER scoring a point higher than the other - how will a judge decide between us?" Legolas scoffed, putting his arrow back in his quiver.

"For once, I agree with this dung heap - archery, swordplay, sparring, trackingyou name it and he refuses to believe that I've beat him at it," Haldir said contemptuously, looking down his nose at Legolas.

"Haldir, in all the centuries that I have known you, I have yet to see you take your head out of your ass!" Legolas retorted, his piercing blue eyes trying to bore holes in Haldir's composure.

"The competitions I have in mind are none that either of you have ever trained forbelieve me, there _WILL_ be a winner!" Elrond interrupted, whipping his robes about him as he turned and stalked away, leaving the two fair-haired Elves alone on the field.

"I'm hungry. Let's go grab something in the kitchens," Legolas said, picking up his bow from the ground.

"Me toowe missed lunch and dinner. Hey! Betcha I can eat more lembas than you," Haldir said, a slight smile tugging at the corners of his mouth.

"Not on your _best_ dayyou silver-haired, frog-faced freak!" Legolas said, his own lips curling into a smile.

"You are _on_you pompous peckerhead!"

They began walking quickly back toward the Last Homely House. Within moments they were both running at breakneck speed, each trying to beat the other to the kitchen.

Elrond flopped wearily in a chair in his room. His chief advisor, Erestor, carried in a pot of tea on a tray, setting it down on the table next to the Lord of Rivendell.

"Elrondis your headache any better?" he asked politely, pouring a cup of tea for each of them.

"I have _two_ headaches, Erestorand they seem to be racing each other here as we speak," Elrond replied, looking out of the window and seeing Legolas and Haldir bolting toward the Last Homely House.

Erestor snorted, taking the chair opposite Elrond, and sipping his tea. "Those two have been at it for centuries. What ever started them on this entire competition thing, anyway?"

"Who knows? It's just in their natures. Both seem to have a need to be the best at everything. It's become rather tiring."

"Who will be judging these, ercompetitions?" Erestor asked, looking over the list of events on the scroll that sat on the table.

"Glorfindel, Aragorn, Arwen, Eowyn, and Gandalf."

"Impressive list. When, might I ask, will the competitions begin?"

"In two week's time. Thranduil, Celeborn, and Galadrial all wish to attend, and it will take some time for them to get here."

"Things are going to get very interesting around here, Elrond."

"I know. Don't I look excited to you?" Elrond said dryly, rolling his eyes, and sipping his tea.


	2. The Opening Ceremonies

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Disclaimer: I do not own LOTR, or any of its characters. **Haldir:** Who, in their right mind, is going to believe that I couldn't beat Legolas at anything? **Legolas:** Who, in their right mind would believe you could? **Haldir:** Do you really want to go there, Blondie? **Legolas:** Bring it on.

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Chapter 2

Opening Ceremonies

Stands of wooden bleachers, each fifteen rows high stretched across the entire field's length, on both sides. The bleachers were packed with spectators, both Elven and of Men, as well as a few other species, all of whom eagerly watched the spectacle unfolding before them. Night was falling, and hundreds of torches lit the field brightly.

Trumpets sounded, heralding the beginning of the games. A trio of horsemen trotted across the center of the field, bearing the flags of Rivendell, Mirkwood, and Lothlorien. They came to a stop in front of a canopied section of the right hand bleachers. Lord Elrond of Rivendell stood, dressed in his most formal robes, wearing his Mithril crown. The horsemen saluted him and he nodded his head in acknowledgement. The horsemen rode their horses to the far end of the field, and turned their horses to face the crowd.

Next, the trumpets blared again, and a group of twenty white clad Elves walked sedately onto the field, stopping in the center. They turned as one and faced Elrond, bowing. He nodded at them and took his seat.

The Elves began to sing - their voices in perfect harmony - the "Lay of Leithian" which had recently been set to music by Elrond, himself.

The singing went on for nearly two hoursthe Lay of Leithian was a very, very long tale. When the final note faded away, it took the crowd a moment or two to rouse themselves sufficiently to cheer.

Standing once again, Elrond waited for the cheering to subside, and the white clad Elves to depart the field. Raising his arms and his voice, he addressed the crowd in the bleachers.

"Elves, Men, Dwarves, and Hobbits, I welcome you to the Rivendell Olympiad! Please join me in welcoming our esteemed guests, King Thranduil of Mirkwood," he shouted to the crowd, gesturing to the tall, blonde regal Elf on his left, "and Lady Galadriel and Lord Celeborn of the Golden Wood!" he continued, gesturing to the lovely, blonde, faintly glowing Elf couple on his right.

The crowd cheered, rising to their feet and bowing respectfully to the guests. They re-seated themselves, once again waiting for Elrond to speak.

"It is my most humble honor to officially open the very first Rivendell Olympiad!" he shouted, privately thinking that it had better be the very first, and very _last_ Rivendell Olympiad.

The crowd roared, and cages of white doves were released into the air, to soar over the crowds. Elrond tried not to notice the many Elves in the bleachers who now wore white splats on their heads from the passage of the doves.

"Please join me in welcoming the first of our esteemed judges for this competition! You know him as Esteland Striderand Ellesar He wielded the Narsilplease welcome Aragorn, son of Arathorn, the King of Gondor!"

The crowd was on its feet again, cheering wildly as Aragorn walked onto the field, waving, and took his place at the judge's table on the field just below the bleachers where Elrond stood.

"Back in Rivendell by popular demand, please welcome our very own Evenstar, my own beautiful daughter, wife of Aragorn, and Queen of GondorArwen!"

The crowd cheered again, throwing rose petals down on the field, as Arwen glided in, waving, and took her seat next to Aragorn.

"She fought bravely in the War. She single-handedly slew the Lord of the Nazgul. She's the White Lady of Rohan. She's the ShieldmaidenEowyn!"

Eowyn, decked out in full battle regalia, marched onto the field to the cheers of the crowd, and took her place next to Arwen.

"He's the Noldor who slew the balrog. He was reincarnated and came back from the Halls of Manosplease welcome our very own Glorfindel!"

Glorfindel walked stately to his place next to Eowyn, waving his hand at the cheering crowd.

"Finally, He's a Maiar, one of the Istari. You know him as Mithrandir. He used to be Gray, but he fought the balrog to become everyone's favorite White WizardGandalf! "

The crowd went wild, screaming and chanting Gandalf's name as the venerable wizard used his staff to walk down center field, waving at his adoring fans. He took his place at the judge's table next to Glorfindel.

After the judges were seated, the flag bearers trotted off the field. Vendors began walking up and down in front of the bleachers, tossing up bags of lembas and small wineskins to the crowd, and catching small coins that were thrown in return.

Elrond waited until the crowd settled down. When he had their attention again, he shouted, "And nowwithout further ado, I give you your competitors for this Olympiad!"

"First uphe hails from the forest. He's the fairest of the Fellowship. His last name means the same as his first. He's the Lord of the Wood. Please help me welcome Legolas Greenleaf, Prince of Mirkwood!"

The crowd exploded, female voices overpowering the males as they screamed Legolas' name over and over.

Legolas rode out on a huge white steed. He galloped past the crowd a couple of times, then reined his horse in front of the judges. Putting his fist over his heart, he bowed from horseback, then trotted over to where Elrond stood, and did the same. He turned to face the crowd again, waiting.

"Next uphe comes to us from Lothlorien. His name means 'Hidden Hero.' He's the March Warden of the Galadhrim of Lorien. The Silvan with an attitude, please help me welcome Haldir!

Again the crowd was on its feet, female voices screaming Haldir's name over and over.

Haldir rode in on a gigantic black steed. He followed Legolas' route and routine, finally coming to rest next to Legolas, facing the crowd.

"These are your competitors! Both are strong! Both are worthy! But which will prevail? This concludes the Opening Ceremonies!" He motioned toward Legolas and Haldir, who galloped around the field one last time, waving at the crowds, before exiting the field.

Gandalf stood and waved his staff. The night sky lit up with a brilliant fireworks display, to the oohing and ahhing of the crowd.

After the last trailing sparkles in the sky faded, Elrond once again addressed the crowd. "Tomorrow we begin the first of the trials. Get your tickets early!" Elrond shouted, before leaving the field himself, in the company of Galadriel, Celeborn, Thranduil, and the judges.

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	3. The First Event

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Disclaimer: I do not own LOTR, or and of its characters. **Legolas: **My horse is bigger than your horse. **Haldir:** No, it isn't. _My_ horse is bigger than _your_ horse. **Legolas:** I beg to differ! _My_ horse **Me:** Please! Size doesn't matter. It's what you _do_ with the horse that counts.

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Chapter 3

The First Event

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In the Locker Room

Legolas and Haldir were each a bundle of nerves, although both would have rather French kissed an Orc than let the other know it. Sitting on the bench in the Locker Room, they were preparing to dress for the day's event.

"Sowhat event do you think they have planned for us?" Legolas said casually, whipping off the towel from around his waist, and picking up his breeches.

"How should I know? Whatever it is, I'll kick your butt at it," Haldir replied haughtily, towel drying his long, silver hair.

"The _hell_ you will! I'll be kicking _your_ Silvan ass into next week."

"Rightyou just keep thinking that," Haldir snorted, dropping the towel from his waist and stepping into his breeches.

"Did you hear the Elleths scream my name when I rode out on the field, yesterday?" Legolas asked, grinning as he braided his hair.

"You mean those three old crones with the warts and missing teeth? Yeah, I heard them."

"No, I mean the hundreds of _beauties_ that were screaming my name!"

"You're sadly mistaken, mellon nin - they were screaming _my_ name!"

"The only ones screaming _your_ name were those three old _guys_ with warts and missing teeth!"

"Take that back!" Haldir yelled, pushing Legolas backward.

"Not a chance!" Legolas shouted, giving Haldir a push.

Within moments, the two were rolling around on the locker room floor, pummeling each other.

That's exactly how Erestor found them, when he came to tell them it was time to begin.

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The First Event

Aragorn's Choice

Greased Dwarf Tossing

Trumpets blared, alerting the crowd that the first event was about to begin. Taking their seats, the packed house turned their attention once again to the white awning on the right side The judges were in their seats, waiting patiently on the field.

Elrond rose and addressed the crowd. "Welcome to the First Event in the Rivendell Olympiad! Today's event was handpicked by our first judge, King Aragorn of Gondor!" Elrond shouted, gesturing to Aragorn, who stood and waved at the crowd. "LET THE GAMES BEGIN!"

The crowd was on its feet, screaming, and waving little flags on which either "Legolas" or "Haldir" were written in Elven Runes.

The trumpets sounded again. Legolas and Haldir walked, or rather limped, onto the field. Legolas' braids had been partially pulled out, and he had the beginnings of a shiner. Haldir sported a bloody nose and a lip that was quickly reaching obesity. The crowd's cheers trailed off as the champions made their way to stand before Elrond.

"What the devil have you two been doing? ERESTOR!" Elrond shouted, looking for his advisor.

"Yes, Elrond?" Erestor answered from just behind him.

"What happened?"

"We left them alone for a few minutes - that's what happened."

Sighing, Elrond addressed Legolas and Haldir. "Do you two think you could avoid sending one another to the Halls of Manos long enough to finish the competition? Afterward, I don't care if you skin each other alive and feed the pieces to the nearest wargbut until thenHANDS OFF!"

"Yes, Elrond," they answered, hanging their heads, and looking chagrined.

"Today's event has been chosen by Aragorn. The name of the event is Greased Dwarf Tossing. In short, you will each have one chance to see who can catch and toss a greased Dwarf the furthest. Haldir, you will be tossing his Majesty, King of Durin's Folk, Thrain III. Legolas, you will be tossing Gimli, son of Gloin."

Legolas and Haldir looked at each other.

"Dwarf tossing? Are they _serious_?" Haldir asked Legolas, looking quite befuddled, swollen lip and all.

"Gimli does not take to being tossed. Neither does any other Dwarf I know," Legolas answered, looking equally confused.

"To the starting line, please" Elrond commanded, pointing to a white line that had been drawn on the grass. A series of red lines were painted all the way up the field in even increments, to help mark the distance the Dwarf was tossed.

At each end of the starting line, a large vat had been set up. Two Elves stood leaning over each vat, obviously holding on to something in the vat that was squirming and flinging about, to judge from the curses and splashes emanating from the wooden barrels.

"On your mark." Elrond called, "Get set" he motioned to the four Elves at the vats, and the Elves pulled two struggling, oil slicked Dwarves out and set them running on the field.

"GO!"

Legolas and Haldir looked first at each other, then at the quickly moving Dwarves. The two champions burst from the starting line at the same moment, each chasing after the Dwarf to whom they had been named.

"Gimli, slow down!" Legolas shouted, trying to catch up to the Dwarf who was running as quickly as his little greased legs would take him, first dodging one way, then zigzagging the other. Each time Legolas would manage to get a hand on him, he would slip away.

Haldir was faring no better than Legolas, while trying to catch Thrain. The equally well-coated Dwarf ran in circles, managing to slip from Haldir's grip each time the Elf laid a hand on him.

The crowd was laughing and shouting encouragement to their favorite, watching the Elves and the Dwarves crisscross the field in a frenzy.

Finally, Haldir saw an opening and threw himself over Thrain, pinning the slippery Dwarf to the ground with his body. He wrapped his arms securely around the Dwarven King, and stood up. The crowd cheered his efforts as he jogged back to the starting line with his prize.

Haldir spun around in place several times, holding the Dwarf under the arms, and finally let go in a mighty heave, sending Thrain flying over the red lines to land a full third of the way down the field. An Elf in a black and white striped robe jogged out to the field, and marked the spot where Thrain had landed.

Legolas followed Haldir's lead, and bodily tackled Gimli, who never let up the string of curses he had been spilling since being released from the vat. Spinning about several times, Legolas threw Gimli as hard as he could, sending the Dwarf sailing through the air to land just a hairsbreadth behind the spot Thrain had landed. The black and white striped robed Elf marked this spot as well.

The judges conferred for a moment, then Aragorn stood and addressed the crowd.

"Well played, these competitors are indeed both mighty, erhurlers. However, Haldir did manage to exceed Legolas' throw by a hair, and so I declare the winner of this event to beHaldir, March Warden of Lothlorien!"

The crowd cheered, those with "Haldir" banners waving them frantically as Haldir and Legolas both bowed to the judges, and to Elrond, and walked out of the field.

Elrond stood, and spoke to the crowd. "This concludes the first eventbut there are four more to follow! The next event begins at the same time tomorrow!"

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	4. The Second Event

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Disclaimer: I do not own LOTR, or any of its characters. **Legolas:** I would prefer it if you would kindly stay _out_ of the locker room Can you _never_ write anything with just a _tad_ bit of decorum? **Me:** Are you _kidding_? The locker room scene is the _best_ part, Lego. **Legolas:** For your information, this last was the _worst_! No one wants to read about me putting on my breeches! **Me:** You know something, Lego - you are absolutely right! Don't worry, I'll do better in this next one **Legolas:** Excellent! What will you have me doing? Brooding about my loss to that arrogant Silvan? Planning my strategy for the next competition? **Me:** All I can tell you, Legolas, isdon't drop the soap.

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Chapter 4

The Second Event

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In the locker room

Legolas and Haldir were both in the locker room, once again preparing for the day's event.

Haldir had been taking every opportunity to rub Legolas' fine Elven nose in the fact that he, the March Warden, had beaten the Prince in the first event.

"Will you just _shut_ _up_ about it? How many times are you going to repeat yourself? I _know_ you won that one. It will be the _only_ one you win, so savor the flavor, buddy," Legolas growled from his bathtub, reaching for the shampoo.

"Not likely. I won that one easily, pal you didn't stand a chance!" Haldir retorted from _his_ tub.

"You won by barely a hair! I would have beaten you if Gimli hadn't let himself go after the Warthe little porker weighed a ton!"

"How did they ever get the Dwarves to agree to that competition, anyway?"

"I asked Elrond thatit seems that the two Dwarves are overly fond of ladies' undergarments. Elrond threatened to tell all of Arda about finding the two of them prancing about in ladies' dainties after the last Hunter's Moon Festival."

"Ouch," Haldir laughed, holding his leg up in the air and soaping between his toes. "Gimli and Thrain must have _loved_ that! I wish I could have been at _that_ meeting!"

Legolas and Haldir got out of the water, and began toweling themselves off. Suddenly, Haldir froze, then tapped Legolas' arm, looking at the doorway.

Seems Gimli and Thrain weren't the _only_ ones caught in a compromising positionthe locker room had filled up with females, all staring hungrily at the two competitors.

Erestor came running at the sound of Legolas and Haldir's screams.

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The Second Event

Arwen's Choice

Cross-Dressing Egg Race

Again the trumpets blared, signally to one and all that the second day of competition was about to begin. The crowd was thick, packing the bleachers, excitedly talking amongst themselves about the day's event.

Elrond waited until the judges were seated in their customary places before standing and addressing the crowd.

"Welcome one and all to the Second Event of the Rivendell Olympiad! I must take this opportunity to remind everyone that the locker room is strictly off limits, except to those who are involved in the competition, or have press passes. Today's event has been chosen by our second judge, the beautiful Arwen!"

The crowd cheered as Arwen stood and gracefully curtsied, waving her hand at them in greeting.

Elrond blew a kiss to his daughter, then signaled for the competitors to enter the field.

Legolas and Haldir strode purposely onto the field, to the screaming of the crowd. They noticed two females in the front row waving towels at them, and blushed a deep crimson. Erestor had barely gotten there in time to save them both from a very thorough mauling at the hands of all of those drooling females in the locker room.

Coming to stand before Elrond and the judges, Haldir and Legolas bowed deeply. Unfortunately, this action presented the butt end of their breeches to the audience, which renewed a frenzy of whistles and catcalls from the female portion of the crowd. They quickly stood up, throwing sour looks over their shoulders at the crowd.

"Today's event has been chosen by Arwen, and is called the Cross Dressing Egg Race. Each competitor will dress in a ladies' gown and shoes. You will each grip a spoon in your teeth, on which you will balance an egg. You will run the length of the field with the spoon holding the egg gripped between your teeth. At the opposite end of the field, you will take the egg and smash it into your forehead. Taking a new egg, you will dash back to the starting line. At any point, should you drop the egg, you must return to whichever end of the field you were last at to get a new egg. The first competitor to complete the circuit successfully wins. Is that clear?" Elrond asked, raising an eyebrow at Legolas and Haldir.

Legolas and Haldir scowled at Arwen, who was giggling madly at the judges' table. They sighed, then nodded at Elrond signaling that they understood the rules.

They walked to the starting line, each telling the other just what exactly they would like to do to Arwen should they ever get the opportunity. Legolas favored a boiling vat of oil, while Haldir preferred a pack of hungry wargs.

Two tables were set up at the starting line, each holding a dress, a pair of high heeled, pink furry slippers, a spoon, and a bucket of eggs.

Legolas and Haldir each stood behind one of the tables, and pulled off their boots and jerkins to the whistling and screams of the females in the crowd. Both blushed a bright fuschia to the roots of their pale hair. They stood straight, waiting for Elrond's signal.

Elrond raised his arms, and shouted, "On your markget setGO!"

The crowd roared as Legolas and Haldir struggled into the gowns, wriggling to get the garments down over their broad shoulders. They were neck and neck as they slipped their feet into the pink, fuzzy high-heeled slippers, and picked up their spoons. Balancing an egg in the bowl of the spoon, they both took off runningand both fell flat on their faces. Heels take some getting used to.

Legolas was up a fraction of a second faster than Haldir, and soon both had new eggs in their spoons. Both took teetering, hesitant steps down the field, eyeing each other, trying to keep ahead of one another.

Haldir's ankle turned on the high-heeled slipper, and he went down with a thud. Groaning, he rose and made his way back to the table for another egg, giving Legolas a clear lead.

Legolas quickly learned that if he jammed the heels of the slippers deep into the soft ground with each step, he could maintain his balance. Soon he was making good progress by lifting each leg high and bringing his foot down hard. His gown twirled with each step, eliciting laughter from the crowd. Nevertheless, he arrived at the far end of the field well before Haldir.

Legolas picked the egg up from the spoon, looking at, thinking he had, indeed, reached a new low point in his life. He sighed, then smashed the egg against his forehead, wincing at the gooey, slimy whites and yolk dripped down his face. He had another egg in the spoon was starting back as Haldir arrived at the table.

Soon the two egg splattered heroes were high stepping back toward the starting line. Haldir began taking much longer strides, trying to catch up to Legolas, but to no avail. Legolas reached the starting line several steps ahead.

Once again, the judges conferred, although it took a bit longer, since none of them could stop laughing. Finally, Arwen stood and faced the crowd.

'Our champions did wellone might think they have had prior experience to walking in heels!" she snorted.

The crowd erupted into laughter, and Legolas and Haldir's eyes sent daggers into Arwen from their place at the starting line.

"However," Arwen continued, "We have a clear winner. Legolas Greenleaf wins the second event of the Olympiad!"

Cheers and screams, and well as laughter and catcalls hailed Legolas as the two competitors stepped forward to the judges' table. Bowing low, they turned and walked off the field, still wearing their gowns and fuzzy, pink ,high-heeled slippers.


	5. The Third Event

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Disclaimer: I do not own LOTR, or any of its characters. **Legolas:** NO! No, no, no, no. no! You did _not_ make me put on a dress and high-heels. _Tell_ me you did _NOT_ do that! **Me:** I also put you naked in a bathtubdon't forget that! **Legolas:** I despise you, woman. I truly despise you. **Me:** Awww, I like you too, kiddo.

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Chapter 5

The Third Event

In the locker room.

BANG! BANG! BANG!

Haldir was beating his head against the locker, despite Legolas' best efforts to stop him.

"They made me wear a dress! They made me wear pink fuzzy slippers! They made me smash an egg on my forehead!"

BANG! BANG! BANG!

"Pink, fuzzy, _high-heeled_ slippers" Legolas corrected, patting Haldir on the shoulder.

"ARGHH!"

BANG! BANG! BANG!

"I'll _never_ live this down. Not _ever_! Rumil and Orophin will hold this over my head for all eternity" Haldir moaned, sitting down on the bench and holding his head in his hands.

"Hey, I had to wear them too, you know. You don't hear me whining!" Legolas said, putting his hands on his hips and staring down at Haldir.

"Why _aren't_ you complaining? What does that _say_ about you, Legolas?"

"It _says_ that I won the event - _that's_ what it says" Legolas stated, folding his arms over his chest. "I beat you."

"Yeahokay, I admit it. When it comes to wearing a maiden's clothing, you beat me hands down."

"Hey! It was an event! I didn't dream it upArwen did!"

"You used to spend a lot of time with Arwen before she got marriedmaybe she just picked something she knew you were good at!" Haldir retorted, snorting.

"I am going to wipe the field with your sorry Silvan ass today, Haldir!" Legolas stormed, incensed at the slur on his Elfhood.

"Only if they let you do it in a dress, Lego-lass" Haldir laughed.

BANG! BANG! BANG!

Legolas continued hammering Haldir's head into the locker until Erestor showed up to escort them to the field.

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The Third Event

Glorfindel's Choice

Middle Earth Squares

The crowd that filled in the bleachers on the day of the third event had their curiosity piqued by a structure that had been erected overnight at one end of the field by Elven laborers. The structure had three levels and was divided into nine squares. In each square a figure sat, waiting for the event to commence.

Once again, the trumpets heralded the beginnings of the Games.

Elrond waited until the judges were in their customary places, before standing and addressing the throng of Elves, Men, Dwarves, and Hobbits in the bleachers.

"Welcome one and all to the third event of the Rivendell Olympiad! Today's event is Glorfindel's choice, and is a competition of knowledge!" he shouted, as Glorfindel rose from his seat and stately waved to the crowd.

Elrond gestured for the competitors to enter the field. Legolas and Haldir walked out onto the field with their heads held high. Rather, Legolas held his head high as he walked out onto fieldHaldir's head was weighed down by an enormous bump and an icepack.

Legolas and Haldir came to stand, yet again, in front of the judges and Elrond. They bowed, then stood waiting for Elrond to speak.

"Today's event is a test of knowledge. The structure at the end of field holds nine visiting dignitaries from the far reaches of Arda. Each competitor will pick a square. I will ask a question of the dignitary in that square. The competitor must decide if the dignitary has given the correct, or incorrect answer to the question. If the competitor is correct, he wins that square. The first competitor to get three squares in a row, wins. Do you understand the rules?" Elrond looked down at Haldir and Legolas.

"Yes, Lord Elrond, I understand," Legolas answered, holding his fist over his heart and bowing again.

"Argh, my head!" Haldir said, waving a feeble hand at Elrond, and trying to nod.

"Legolas, you won the coin flip before the ceremony beganyou will pick first," Elrond said, gesturing toward the structure.

"UmI will take Frodo, in the center square," Legolas said.

"Frodo Baggins, of the Shire! Welcome, once again, to Rivendell!" Elrond said graciously.

"It is very nice to be back, Lord Elrond. Hello, Legolas! Hello, Haldir!" Frodo replied, waving his hand at the Prince and the March Warden. Legolas and Haldir waved back at the Hobbit.

"Now, Frodo, here is your questionwe all know that you fought Gollum in Mt. Doom. For the square, which finger did Gollum bite off?" Elrond asked.

Frodo looked down at his left hand. "I believe it was the thumb, Lord Elrond."

"What the hell kind of question is _that_?" Haldir blurted out, looking dumbfounded. "His hand is right in front of him!"

"Do NOT question the questions, Haldir," Elrond growled, narrowing his eyes at the big Elf. Turning to Legolas, he continued, "So, Legolas - do you agree or disagree with Frodo?"

"I believe it was his ring finger, Elrond. YesI can see it from here. It was definitely his ring finger. I disagree with Mr. Frodo."

"You are absolutely correct! It was his ring finger. Legolas gets the center square," Elrond shouted to the cheers of the crowd.

"Haldir," Elrond said, "it is your turn. Please pick a square."

"I'll take Orophin in the top right hand corner," Haldir decided.

"Orophin, Warden of Lothlorien! Welcome. Your question is, 'what is Haldir's middle name?" Elrond inquired of the March Warden's brother.

"Sue," answered Orophin, grinning broadly at Haldir from the relative safety of the upper right hand square.

"That's ridiculous! I don't have a middle name, you moron! I disagree with my idiot brother, Lord Elrond," Haldir scoffed.

"Oh, I'm sorry, Haldir, that is incorrect. You're middle name _is_ Sue."

"What? No it isn't! I do NOT have a middle name, and if I did, it certainly wouldn't be Sue!" Haldir cried, incensed.

"For the last time, Haldir, do NOT question the questions!" Elrond thundered at the March Warden, who looked up at him bug-eyed.

"Legolas gets the square. Legolas, it is your turn again. Please pick a square."

"Lord Elrond, I'll take the Gollum in the lower left hand corner to win," Legolas said.

"Gollum! You look, erwell for having been toasted in the fires of Mt. Doom," Elrond said to the slimy, slightly blackened creature sitting in the lower left hand square.

"Thankses, Lord Elrond," Gollum answered.

"Gollum, this is for the win. Your question is, "how did you lose the precious?" Elrond asked.

"I didn't loses it! _Filthy_ little thief! Sneaky little hobbitses! He stole it from us! The nasty thief stole our preciousss!"

"Right, well, Legolasdo you agree or disagree with Gollum?" Elrond asked the Prince.

Legolas rocked back and forth, one foot to the other, biting his lip as he considered his answer. He thought he remembered Frodo saying something about a "birthday present," but, as far as Legolas knew, the only thing Gollum had ever freely given away was venereal disease.

"I'll need an answer, Legolas," Elrond said impatiently.

"I'll agree with Gollum," Legolas answered, holding his breath.

"You are correct! Bilbo stole the ring, and later gave it to Frodo!" Elrond shouted as the crowd went wild.

The judges conferred for a moment, then Glorfindel stood, "Legolas is the winner of the third event!" he said, gesturing toward the Elf.

Legolas and an obviously pissed off Haldir bowed to Elrond and the judges and walked off the field.

Elrond addressed the crowd again. "This concludes the third event of the Rivendell Olympiad! I would like to thank all of our dignitaries for participating today." He turned and left the field with the judges.

Gollum's voice carried out after the departing Lord of Rivendell, "Where is our fishes? He promised us! Give it to ussss _raw_--and wwwriggling!"

Frodo could be heard to yell at gollum, "You stupid buggerdidn't I kill you once already? Shut up! You're giving me the willies."

Gollum's voice became low and threatening, "That's okayI'll sssettle for a finger sandwich"


	6. The Fourth Event

****

Disclaimer: I do not own LOTR, or any of its characters. **Haldir:** You're losing it, author. You're losing what precious little bit of mind you have left. **Me:** What makes you say that, Haldir? **Haldir:** _Please_. You gave me a middle name. I don't _have_ a middle name. I don't have a _last_ name, either! **Me:** I can give you one, if you likelet's see, how about Haldir Sue Lipshitz? **Haldir:** NO! If Tolkien had wanted me to have a middle or last name, he would have given me one himself! **Tolkien:** I just didn't think of it - I was a little busy creating an entirely new world, new cultures, new languages, etcbut I kind of like the "Lipshitz" thing **Me:** So be it

****

A/N: A quick thank you to everyone who reviewed - especially those who I couldn't emailthanks! Also, thanks to everyone who pointed out that it should be Gollum instead of Golemdamn spell check! It's one of those words I keep having brain farts withthat and Galadriel - I usually spell it Galadrial. I'll try to keep an eye on it. Oh, and to Beastess - yes, be afraidbe very afraid.

Here we go, Bird

****

Chapter 6

The Fourth Event

__

In the locker room

Legolas and Haldir had finished their baths, and were standing in the locker room, towels wrapped around their waists, looking at two _very_ unusual items waiting for them on the bench.

"What the hell are these?" Haldir asked, as he held up the tiny, black Speedo.

"How should _I_ know? I was with _you_, remember? All I know is that Elrond left word that we should wear these today for the competition," Legolas replied, as puzzled as Haldir.

"Wear them _how_? They look like handkerchiefs."

"They have holesmaybe they go over our heads."

The two struggled for a while trying to get the Speedos on over their muscular shoulders.

"It's strangling me! Arghhh!" Haldir bellowed, ripping off the Speedo. He held it in the air in front of his face. He looked at the offending garment closely, as comprehension slowly registered in his expression.

"No. Absolutely _not_! They _can't_ be serious!" Haldir exclaimed, shaking the Speedo. "Do you know where I think these things are supposed to go?" he asked Legolas, who was still stuck trying to remove the Speedo from around his neck.

"Where?" Legolas gasped, finally able to free his throat from the viselike grip of the Speedo.

"Where we normally wear breeches."

"NO! That's _absurd_what would these little bitty things cover? The whole world would see my" Legolas gasped, his eyes widening as he looked at the tiny bit of black fabric with new understanding.

"Well," Haldir sniffed, "_You_ needn't worry. _YOU'D_ be safeI, however, would be the one giving a free show."

"What is that supposed to mean?" Legolas growled, narrowing his eyes at Haldir.

"Heydon't get offended, _little one_ - I'm just being truthful, here," Haldir said in false innocence.

"Are you insinuating that you're bigger than me? An elleth would need both hands and a roadmap to find yours!" Legolas said snidely.

"At least an elleth would be _interested_ in finding mine!" Haldir yelled, losing his composure.

"Forget it! I don't have time for this conversationErestor will be here any minute! I'm wearing my jerkin, as usual!" Legolas said, looking around the locker room. "Where _is_ my jerkin?"

"I don't knowhey! Where's _my_ jerkin? Where are my leggings?" Haldir yelled, beginning to open and close lockers, looking under the bench, and searching the bath. "Where are our clothes?"

"You're holding your clothes for this event," Erestor's voice came from the doorway.

"This thing? This is all you want us to wear in front of half of Arda? Are you _mad_?" Legolas asked shrilly, gripping the Speedo in his fist.

"Yes. These have been made for you especially for this event. Put them on and let's goeveryone is waiting."

"I will not leave this room in only this little bit of nothing!" Haldir yelled.

"If you do not wear them, Elrond will tell the entire crowd that you are both cowards. You will be shamed in front of the entire population. If one of you wears it, and the other does not, whoever _doesn't_ wear it forfeits the competition."

Legolas and Haldir looked at each other with raised eyebrows. In a flurry of motion, they dropped their towels and wiggled into the tiny black Speedos.

Erestor looked at them thoughtfully. "Perhaps the seamstresses made them a bit too bigor perhaps neither one of you is as impressive as we thought you'd be"

BANG! BANG! BANG!

Legolas and Haldir continued to beat Erestor's head against the lockers until Elrond came in to find out what was keeping them.

****

The Fourth Event

Eowyn's Choice

Elven Mudwrestling

Once again, the bleachers were packed as the time approached for the fourth round of competition between Legolas and Haldir. This time, the crowd stared and wondered at the large, square, muddy pit that had been dug in the center of the field. They also wondered at the line of archers that stood across each side of the bleachers, between the crowds and the pit.

Vendors made their way up and down the bleachers, selling tunics with "I (heart) Legolas, and I (heart) Haldir on them, as well as the usual wine and lembas.

Trumpets blared announcing to all and sundry that the game was about to begin. Last minute stragglers found their way to their seats as Elrond stood and addressed the assemblage.

"Welcome to the fourth event of the Rivendell Olympiad! Today's event was designed by the Shieldmaiden of Rohan, Eowyn, and is a test of strength and endurance!"

Eowyn stood, waving to the crowd, and daintily blowing kisses - which looked rather silly, considering she was still decked out in leather armor and a helmet.

Elrond nodded, and the two champions walked onto the field - in their Speedos, and nothing else. The females, and a not a few of the males, in the crowd went bananas. Elrond was suddenly very glad he had positioned the archers for crowd control. Already flowers, as well as various pieces of undergarments were being flung onto the field, not to mention that females of every species were trying to throw _themselves_ onto the field as well. The archers had their hands full trying to keep the crowd under control without actually having to shoot anyone.

Both Legolas and Haldir were blushing bright crimson as they came to stand before the judges and Elrond.

"This thing keeps riding up my butt," Haldir whispered to Legolas as they walked.

"I knowI think the rear of mine has disappeared all together."

"Nice pants," Aragorn whispered to them both, snickering and elbowing Arwen. Arwen hid her smile behind her hand, but couldn't help snorting. Gandalf and Glorfindel were not as discreetthey were guffawing and pounding their fists on the table. Eowyn just looked at the two of them and drooled.

Legolas and Haldir shot Aragorn a look that could have ended the royal bloodline once and for all right there.

"This event is called 'mudwrestling.' You will enter the pit behind you, and engage inwrestling each other. No biting or eye gouging will be allowed. Other than thathave at it. Last one standing wins the event," Elrond explained.

"Mud? You want us to get muddy? _Us_? We're Elveswe don't do dirt," Legolas complained, looking at Elrond and raising an eyebrow.

"You'll 'do' dirt, or you'll be disqualified," Elrond said.

Thranduil yelled out from his place near Elrond, "For Eru's sake, boyit's just a little mud! Be an Elf and get in there!"

Legolas threw his father a look that would have curdled milk.

The two competitors bowed to Elrond and the judges, which of course, set off a renewed frenzy from the crowd. They turned and walked slowly to the mud pit.

"Eww. This is going to be completely gross," Legolas said, wrinkling his nose.

"I never knew you were so prissy!" Haldir said. "It doesn't bother me that much."

"That is because I, unlike you, have good hygiene habits," Legolas replied, giving Haldir a dismissive wave.

"What's that supposed to mean?" Haldir asked, getting his back up.

"What does it sound like? You stink," Legolas explained, sticking his nose up in the air.

"I do not! That's just my cologneChannel for Elves. It's a musk!" Haldir yelled, getting a little red in the face.

"Rightcologne. Who would buy something that _smelled_ like that, when they could smell like that for free by not bathing for a month?"

"ARGHH!" Haldir thundered, launching himself at Legolas.

The two Elves fell into the mud pit, and began spinning around in a death roll. For a few moments, they both completely disappeared under the gooey mud. Great splashes of mud flew up as the competitors battled beneath the surface.

Haldir came up for air first, followed by Legolas, spitting a stream of mud out of his mouth. He stood up, clenching something in his hand.

Legolas sat in the mud, looking up at Haldir. "Give me back my Speedo!" he yelled.

"Nope! If you want it you'll have to stand up and get it!" Haldir laughed, dangling the little mud-covered piece of fabric just out of Legolas' reach.

"I can't stand up! You've left me completely naked herethis crowd will tear me apart!" Legolas shouted, slamming the mud with his fists.

"Yes, I knowI win!" Haldir smiled, stepping forward to show that he was, indeed, the last one standing.

The judges conferred, then Eowyn stood and announced, "Haldir wins this event!" The crowd went berserk, and the archers strained trying to keep them from flooding the field.

Haldir turned and tossed the Speedo back to Legolas, who disappeared under the mud with it for a moment. Legolas stood up, pulling the back of his Speedo back into place.

They approached Elrond and the judges, and bowed, to the renewed catcalling and screaming of the crowd. The two competitors walked off of the field with as much dignity as possible, dripping mud, the backs of their Speedos crawling up their butt cracks.

Elrond tried to address the crowd, but couldn't stop laughing long enough to do it. He simply waved at them, and left the field, followed closely by the snorting and giggling judges.


	7. The Fifth and Final Event

****

Disclaimer: I do not own LOTR, or any of its characters. **Legolas:** Butt cracks? You actually used the words "butt cracks" in referring to our anatomy?" **Me:** Why? You don't have one? Are you like the Metatron in "Dogma" - no more anatomically correct than a Ken doll? Let me seecome on, let me see! **Legolas:** Keep _away_ from me, you evil wench! That is NOT what I meant. My bottom is the same as everyone else's. I _meant_ the boorish, coarse, _tactless_ way you wrote that chapter! **Me:** Hee, heeLegolas doesn't have a butt crack! Hee, hee. **Legolas:** Where is my bow? I have an arrow with your name on it.

****

Chapter 7

The Fifth (and Final) Event

__

In the locker room

"Well, this is it. The last event," Legolas said, tying the lacing of his breeches.

"Yep. The last eventwon't it be great not to have to compete against each other any more?" Haldir commented, adjusting the belt on his jerkin.

"Yeahgreat. You know, actually it's going to be kind of weird not trying to outdo each other anymorewe've been at it for centuries, now," Legolas added, pulling on his jerkin.

"How'd we get started on that, anyway? Do you remember?" Haldir asked, putting one foot up on the bench, resting his elbow on his knee.

"You don't remember? We were in Lothlorien, getting ready for the Summer Solstice. Gods, we must have been, what? Maybe, a thousand years old thenso young," Legolas began, getting a far away look in his eyes.

"OhI remember now! There was an ellethwhat was her name?"

"Um Broomhilda VarthaniaI can't quite seem to remember" Legolas answered, chuckling a bit.

"We both set our caps for her, thoughI remember that!" Haldir said, laughing. "Remember trying to get her to notice us at the dance?"

Legolas snorted. "We practically did a striptease on the dance floor. Made complete and utter _fools_ of ourselves, as I recall!"

"I could never understand why she didn't pick one of us, could you?"

"Haldirshe _picked_ that elleth with the really short, spiky hairyou remember - the one with the tattoo of the dagger and heart on her biceps?"

"She picked an elleth over _us_? Why would she do _that_?"

"She was _gay_, you moron!" Legolas said, rolling his eyes at Haldir's naivete. Seeing the still blank look on Haldir's face, he continued, "She only liked other girls."

"She likedREALLY?" Haldir's eyes bugged out like boiled eggs. "Did she let us watch?"

"Don't be disgusting! Besides, if she had, I think you would have remembered _that_, you pervert."

"So this entire competition thing we've had going over the years is due entirely to some chick who we NEVER had a chance at anyway?"

"Ironic, isn't it?"

"Sowhat do you have planned for after I win the competition?" Haldir asked, still thinking about Broomhilda and the spiky haired elleth.

"What do you mean 'after YOU win the competition' - _I_ plan on winning, Haldir," Legolas scoffed.

"Not a chanceif this is going to be our last opportunity to compete against each other, I plan on _trouncing_ your ass," Haldir laughed.

"The only ass getting trounced today will be _yours_!"

"It's going to be kind of sad seeing it end, you know?"

"Yeahwhat are we going to do with all our spare time?"

'Hmmf," Haldir grunted, looking thoughtful. "Eternity is going to be pretty boring"

"We could take up a craftlike basket weaving," Legolas offered, shrugging his shoulders.

"And maybe someone could just put an arrow in my head right now," Haldir replied sarcastically. "Is _that_ our future? _Basket weaving_?"

Legolas' face lit up and his eyes widened with sudden inspiration. He looked at Haldir, and smiled.

****

The Final Event

Gandalf's Choice

The Obstacle Course

There was standing room only as the throngs of spectators jammed the bleachers on the final day of the Rivendell Olympiad. Vendors continued selling the popular "I (heart) tunics, as well as food and drink. One enterprising vendor was making a fortune selling copies of the infamous black Speedos, which had either "Legolas" or "Haldir" written on the fannies.

The field had once again been transformed overnight, leaving the crowd to wonder at the varied array of objects set up on it, including a wooden tunnel, a pool of stagnant looking water, several standing cardboard cut-outs of Orcs, and one, very real, very irritated-looking Cave Troll. Trumpets blared, calling their attention to Elrond, who stood in his customary place behind the judges' table.

"Welcome one and all to the fifth, and final, event of the Rivendell Olympiad!" he shouted. "Today's event is Gandalf's choice, and is called 'The Obstacle Course. It is a test of speed and agility!"

Gandalf stood, waving at the crowd with both hands. The crowd went wild, cheering for their beloved white wizard.

Continuing, Elrond said, "Legolas and Haldir have each won two eventsthis event will determine the winner of the Olympiad!"

Elrond nodded, signaling that it was time to begin. Legolas and Haldir walked out on the field, marching in perfect step. The crowd murmured disappointedly when it realized that both were fully clothed.

Coming to stand before the judges' table, the two competitors looked up at Elrond and awaited his instructions.

"This is the final event for this competition. You have both performed admirably, but, as we all know, there can only be one winner. Today's event was designed by Gandalf," Elrond explained, motioning toward the White Wizard. Gandalf stood again, and waved at the crowd with both arms. It took several minutes, and several annoyed eyebrow lifts from Elrond before he sat down again.

"Turn and look at the field," Elrond instructed Legolas and Haldir. "When you have both taken your places at the starting line, I will signal for the race to begin. First, you will crawl through the tunnels. Mind you those tunnels have been well coated with oil. Leaving the tunnels, you will swim through the water, remembering that _this_ water was imported from the Dead Marshes, and so likely has a ghost or two in it. Following your swim, you will pick up a bow and quiver, and shoot at least three of the Orcs - only mortal wounds will be accepted - no 'winging' them. Finally, you will dodge the club of the Cave Troll without getting your brains bashed in. First one to get to the finish line wins the final event and the competition!"

Legolas and Haldir bowed to Elrond and the judges, and walked over to the starting line. Each put his toe on the line, and bent down, readying himself to start.

Elrond stood, raised his arms and shouted, "On your markget setGO!"

Legolas and Haldir exploded from the starting line, each diving nose first into the oil slicked tunnels. Each slid a good way in, then began inching their way through, finding it difficult to get any leverage because of the thick coating of oil on the tunnel walls. Haldir was first to poke his head out the tunnel. Glancing at Legolas' tunnel, he pulled his self-upright and took a step forward. His left foot slipped out from under him, and he sat down firmly on his rump. Legolas had just exited his tunnel, and as Haldir stood up again, they carefully made their way to the pool at the same time.

Diving into the waters, they could see the faces of the dead floating all around them. Arms, white as marble, reached out for them, as they stroked their way to the opposite end of the pool. Legolas was first to climb out of the pool, as Haldir's long silver hair had been caught by one of the pale hands, and he was struggling to free himself.

Stepping out of the pool, Legolas glanced back at Haldir twisting and beating at the hand that held his hair. Legolas bent down, and began fussing with the laces on his boots. By the time he had tied them to his satisfaction, Haldir was climbing out of the pool.

They jogged in unison to the archery task. Picking up bows and arrows, Legolas exchanged a look with Haldir. Both notched three arrows in their bows, and let fly. Six arrows embedded themselves in the foreheads of six cardboard Orcs. Dropping the bows, the two competitors next approached the Cave Troll.

"Great Eru, have you EVER seen anything as ugly as this?" Haldir asked Legolas, deftly sidestepping a powerful blow from the Cave Troll.

"No! Tell me, Trollhave you _always_ been this ugly?" Legolas asked, as the Troll's club crashed down on the spot Legolas had been standing in only a split second before.

"Please! He's so ugly they had to tie a steak around his neck so the dogs would play with him"

"He's so ugly - he didn't get hit by the 'ugly stick' - he got hit by the whole damn tree!"

"He's so ugly that if he were my dog, I'd shave his ass and teach him to walk backwards!"

The Cave Troll's lower lip began to quiver. His eyes began to fill with tears, and, soon enough, the hulking creature sat down on the ground with a very large thump, sobbing and wailing.

Legolas and Haldir carefully skirted the creature, and jogged over to the finish line, crossing it at the exact same time.

Collectively, the crowd said, "Huh?" There was a smattering of hesitant applause as the competitors walked back to the judges' table.

Elrond's face was a black rage. "Just what in _hell_ do you two think you're doing?" he asked, so angry he was sputtering.

"Why, what do you mean, Lord Elrond?" Haldir asked innocently.

"You know _exactly_ what I mean! You _tied_! You _can't_ tie! There _has_ to be a winner! You threw the race!" Elrond bellowed.

"I don't have any idea what you're talking about, Elrond," Legolas protested, a half smile on his face.

"You made the Cave Troll cry!"

"I don't recall you having said that making the Cave Troll cry was against the rules" Haldir pointed out, suppressing a grin.

"We'll have to run this race again! Do you know how much of my time and effort you're wasting? I'm a very busy ElfI don't have time to be running these stupid events over again!"

"Elrond" came Gandalf's voice from the judges table. "There was nothing implicitly stated in the rules forbidding a tie. They both won two eventsthey tied in this one. They are both winners of the Olympiad."

"NO! That defeats the entire purpose of having these stupid events! They'll just go competing with each otherwe must run the events again!"

The judges shook their heads, stood up and congratulated Legolas and Haldir. The crowd cheered, and began leaving the stands.

Elrond shouted at them to come back. "We're not done! They have to race again!"

No one listened. The judges and competitors left the field. The Cave Troll stopped crying when Legolas and Haldir gave it a lollipop, and also left the field.

Elrond stood alone in the empty field, wondering exactly why the gods had decided to punish him.

****


	8. The Closing Ceremonies

****

Disclaimer: I do not own LOTR, or any of its characters. **Legolas:** Well, at least we had our clothes in that last chapter. **Me:** Awww, disappointed, Lego? I can correct that in the next chapter **Legolas:** NO! I was relieved, not disappointed. **Me:** I don't know why you're so timid about showing off your physique, anyway. **Legolas:** I'm NOT _timid_. It's just that **ME:** GOOD! I can't go more than one chapter without having your drop your breeches, anyway.

****

Chapter 8

The Closing Ceremonies

__

In the locker room

"Legolas! Have you seen my blue sashI can't find it anywhere!" Haldir exclaimed as he rummaged around the locker room.

"You're wearing it," Legolas answered calmly, pulling up his breeches and lacing them. "Why are you so nervous? You weren't this nervous for any of the events!"

"I can't help itI'm not used to speaking in front of a crowd like this. The most people I ever spoke to at once was a dozen or so wardens. I just _know_ I'm going to stutter, or say something really stupid."

"You will not. Just say 'thank you' when Elrond gives you the trophy, wave at the crowd, and step down. It's that simple."

"How do you know? Why aren't you nervous?"

"I have to appear at royal functions all the time, remember - mePrince?" Legolas laughed, enjoying Haldir's discomfort.

"I'm going to throw up," Haldir said wearily, sitting down on the bench.

"You're not going to throw up. If we have to say anything, _I'll_ say it, okay?"

"Really?"

"Yesyou know, I wish I had known about this before - the one sure thing I can beat you atpublic speaking!" Legolas laughed.

Haldir winced, knowing that Legolas was right. "You're not going to hold this over my head, are you?"

"Till the end of days, or death takes me, mellon nin," Legolas replied, smiling broadly.

"Fine. I guess I'll just have to speak for myself, then won't I?"

"Have it your own wayjust try not to get tongue-tied in front of that huge crowd," Legolas teased. "All those Elvesjust staring at you and hanging on to your every word"

"Now, I really _am_ going to throw up."

****

The Rivendell Olympiad

Closing Ceremonies

The crowds filled the bleachers for the final time that afternoon, jostling each other for the best viewing advantage. Vendors hawked their wares, including a new stuffed Cave Troll doll that cried real tears, which was proving to be extremely popular with the youngsters in the crowd.

Near the judges' table another table had been placed. This table was elevated up a few feet higher than the judge's table, and held two gigantic trophies. Each trophy boasted a tiny replica of an elf in a Speedo.

Elrond stood and signaled the beginnings of the ceremonies. The three flag bearers rode onto the field, once again carrying the flags of Rivendell, Lothlorien, and Mirkwood. They circled the field, coming to rest dead center.

Elrond walked down onto the field and stood next to the judges' table, as Legolas and Haldir strode onto the field, preceded by maidens strewing flowers in their path, and an honor guard of archers flanking them.

Haldir and Legolas bowed to the judges and Elrond, their fists over their hearts. They stood politely at attention, waiting for the presentation of the trophies.

Elrond spoke loudly, so that the crowd would hear him. "Legolas and Haldir, you have both competed well in these events. You have both shown courage, strength, speed, agility, and intelligence." He glowered at the two of them and said softly so that the crowd did not hear him, "and complete disregard of the rules and my patience!"

"Therefore," he shouted once again, "It is my pleasure to award each of you the Olympiad Trophy!" With a flourish, he handed each competitor one of the huge trophies.

"Is that us?" Legolas said, pointing to the elf on the top of the trophy.

"Oh, for Eru's sakethey're wearing those little black Speedos! Really, Elrond, did you design these?" Haldir asked, frowning at Elrond.

"It could have been worse, HaldirI could have designed them wearing the maiden's gowns and pink, furry, high-heeled slippers - and you would have deserved it!" Elrond shot back, looking down his nose at the two. "Now both of you say something to the crowd so we can all get out of here."

"I thank you for the honor of being able to participate in this great Olympiad!' Legolas shouted to the crowd, lifting his trophy up in the air. "I am both pleased and humbled to have been a part of it!"

The crowd cheered wildly, then settled down to hear Haldir speak.

"IFriends, Elves, Countrymenfourscore and seven years agoask not what you can do for your countrythank you, thank you very much," he finally managed to say without throwing up.

The crowd applauded for him, not quite understanding what he had said, but willing to overlook it.

Addressing the crowd again, Elrond said, "Thank you all for attending the events! The Rivendell Olympiad is officially ended!"

As crowd cheered, then dispersed, Elrond turned again to Legolas and Haldir. "I am reluctantly throwing a party in your dubious honor tonight at The Last Homely House. Make sure you put in an appearance. Do NOT make me have to come looking for you." He turned without another word and stalked away.

Each of the judges stopped to congratulate the duo, before leaving the field.

"Aragorn, I don't think I may ever speak to you again. Greased Dwarf tossing? I thought Gimli was going to wring my neck after that event!" Legolas said to the King of Gondor.

"Arwen, My Lady," Haldir bowed, and kissed Arwen's hand, "Trust in this - someday, somehow, I will get even with you for that entire crossdressing thing," he said through clenched teeth.

"Glorfindel! Your game was quite amusing," Legolas smiled at the balrog-slayer.

"Your questions, however, were ridiculous! I do not _have_ a middle name!" Haldir put in, looking down his nose at Glorfindel.

"Tsk, tsk, Haldir. For your information, I knew your parents very well. They were taken from you when you were very youngright after Rumil was born, I believe. Trust me, it may not be common knowledge, but 'Sue' _is_ your middle name. Your father thought it would help make you stronger. I thought it would help you get beaten silly growing up, so I made sure no one ever used it."

"How did Orophin know?" Haldir said, turning a little green around the gills.

"Oh, I had to tell him for the contest. I suspect it will be all over Lorien by the time you get back," Glorfindel laughed, waving goodbye.

"Eowynyou look lovely!" Legolas said, greeting the Shieldmaiden. "If you weren't carrying that sword, I might very well beat the tar out of you," he continued with a smile that went no where near his eyes.

"I would like to strangle you with that Speedo, and then drown you in the nearest mud pile," Haldir added with a twisted smile.

"Now, now, let's not get our Speedos in a knot!" Eowyn laughed. "I single handedly made you two the most popular Elves in Rivendell with the ladiesneither of you will lack for company!"

"We didn't 'lack for company' before the event. There was no need to put us through that!" Legolas shot back, anger clouding his fine features.

"But the event wouldn't have been nearly as much fun without the Speedos!"

"Not nearly as much fun for _who_?"

"For _me_, silly!" Eowyn laughed, waving goodbye.

"Gandalf! Yours was the only event that was almost normal!" Haldir smiled a genuine smile at the old wizard.

"Well, I figured you two needed a break after everything the others put you throughand I figured you'd figure out a way to beat Thranduil, Galadriel, Celeborn, and Elrond at their own game - so to speak!" The White Wizard chuckled. "See you both tonight at Elrond's party, I suppose?" He nodded at the champions as he walked off.

Turning to Haldir, Legolas said, "Well, I guess we should go get undressedno use being uncomfortable until it's time to go to this party."

"Haldir smiled, and said, "Race you to the locker room?"

Legolas smiled, and they were off running.


	9. Elrond's Celebration

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Disclaimer: I do not own LOTR, or any of its characters. **Haldir:** I'll have you know that I'm an _excellent_ public speaker! **Me:** And? Do you want a medal, or a chest to pin it on? **Haldir:** I have both a medal _and_ a chest, for your information. **Me:** That was sarcasm, Haldir. **Haldir:** I knowI was being sarcastic back. **Me:** OoohThe Arrogant One gets sassy! You _do_ know this means war

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Chapter 9

Elrond's Celebration

The Last Homely house was gaily lit with lanterns, and lively music floated out of the windows. Legolas and Haldir stood before the front door, looking quite dashing in the tunics they had worn for the closing ceremonies. Legolas had even added his Mithril crown to complete his ensemble.

"Are you ready for this?" Haldir asked Legolas, hooking his thumb at the door.

"How bad could it be? We go in, smile, wave, kiss a few hands, maybe take a spin or two around the dance floor, and we're out of there!" Legolas shrugged.

"I don't knowsomehow I don't think Elrond is going to let us get away with what we did so easily"

"What can he do in front of all the guests?"

"I just don't trust him, Legolas."

"We might as well get it over withlet's go," Legolas decided, opening the front door and stepping inside.

A major domo was waiting to announce their arrival to the room. Haldir and Legolas waited at the open doorway to the ballroom while the attendant called out their names and titles.

"His Highness, Prince Legolas Greenleaf, of Mirkwood, and Haldir, March Warden of Lothlorien!" the major domo shouted in a deep, cultured voice.

Haldir and Legolas stepped through the open doorway, their eyes scanning the crowds, and smiling. They lifted their hands in a wave, but froze when they spotted what had been hung along the walls of the ballroom.

Four tremendous paintings, which reached nearly floor to ceiling, had been hung on the walls - two on one side of the room, and two on the other. The paintings on the left-hand side of the room were of Haldir and Legolas dressed in the maiden's gowns, and pink, fuzzy, high-heeled slippers, with egg running down their faces. The paintings on the right-hand side of the room were of Haldir and Legolas in their black Speedos.

The entire room burst into laughter at the expressions on the two champions' faces, which were burning a bright red. Elrond laughed loudest of all as he motioned for the competitors to come forward.

"Come on, come onsurely our two champions aren't _shy_!" Elrond called, as Legolas and Haldir hesitantly made their way down the aisle.

Narrowing his eyes at Elrond, Legolas bowed formally, then whispered to Elrond, "Don't you think this is taking things a bit too far, Elrond? I am royalty, after all."  
  
"Bah! Your father, the _King_, commissioned one of those paintings! Just take your lumps, Legolas," Elrond whispered back, thoroughly enjoying the Prince's discomfort.

"I suppose Galadriel and Celeborn commissioned one, too?" Haldir said, eyeing the huge portrait of himself in the black Speedo and wincing.

"Of course! You may want to thank the artist for, umbeing so generous in his rendering of your, um_attributes_!" Elrond laughed.

"There is nothing _wrong_ with our attributes! Our attributes are just _fine_, thank you very much!" Legolas growled, a blush creeping up his neck.

"Well," Elrond continued, changing the subject before Legolas decided to take a swing at him - even Elrond knew how far he could push the Elf before Legolas lost it completely, "we have another surprise for you tonight, later. Please, take your seatsdinner will be served shortly."

Seating themselves at the head table, Legolas and Haldir tried, but failed miserably, to keep their eyes from wandering back to the giant portraits. They exchanged worried glances over the promised "surprise" Elrond had spoken of. Whatever is was, they were certain it wouldn't be pleasant. Thankfully, dinner was served soon after, and they were able to stare at their plates for while.

After dinner, Elrond stood and addressed the dinner crowd. "My friends, we are here tonight to honor the _big_ heroes of the day!" he began. The crowd erupted into laughter at his reference to the paintings. "Not many know this, but when Haldir and Legolas were barely out of their elfling years, they both had a crush on a certain young elleth"

Legolas and Haldir looked at each other, their eyes widening. "Nooo, it can't be" Legolas gasped.

"How could Elrond have found out?" Haldir asked, paling a bit.

"Oh, _I_ told him," Orophin said from behind Haldir. "Just so that you know, big brother, this is to get back at you for the decade of latrine duty you gave me." He chuckled and quickly walked away before Haldir could strangle him.

"It is my pleasure to welcome to The Last Homely House, Lady Veruca of Lothlorien!" Elrond continued, gesturing toward the open door of the ballroom.

If ever time had _ever_ played a sick joke on any elleth, it was Veruca. She was quite possibly the most horrific female either Legolas or Haldir had ever seen. Her hair was cut very short, and stuck out in spikes all over her head. Elves were never known to get fat, but somehow, she had managed quite nicely. Her gown didn't quite disguise the rolls around her middle, nor the saddlebags attached to her thighs, and her meaty arms quivered with her every step. She had at least three chins - that they could count - which jiggled above the most tremendous, sagging bosom in Middle Earth. As she approached the head table, she smiled, showing all three of her teeth.

"Legolas! Haldir! It's been ages! Wellcome give me a hug!" She called, opening up those drooping flesh-bags attached to her shoulders.

Neither Legolas or Haldir could seem to move - they were frozen to the spot. They looked at each other, then back at Veruca, whose fat was swinging gently under her arms.

"If we make a dash for the door, we might be able to get out before they realize what we're doing," Legolas whispered.

"Not going to happen, mellon ninthey've closed the door and there are archers guarding it," Haldir whispered back. "Elrond must have known we'd try to make a break for it."

"If you kill me, the Valar will reward you for your mercy," Legolas pleaded, casting a quick glance toward Veruca, then screwing his eyes shut.

"And be stuck here by myself with _that_? I think not!"

Reluctantly, they rose from their seats and made their way down to where Veruca stood waiting. She clasped them both to her enormous bosom, effectively suffocating the both of them. Their arms waved about frantically as she gave them both a mighty squeeze.

Letting go, finally, just before they both lost consciousness, she said, "I can't believe you both had a crush on me! Oh, please allow me to introduce my life partner, Max"

After the spots retreated from in front of their eyes, Legolas and Haldir saw the Elleth standing slightly behind Veruca. At that moment in time, both Legolas and Haldir wished dearly for the protection of the Cave Troll.

Max was as tall as both the champions, but much more massive. Broad shouldered, muscular, she seemed able to snap them in two if she had the mind to. Right now, it seemed likely that she did, because she was glaring at the two Elves with undisguised malice.

Evidently, she was not pleased with how happy Veruca was to see her two former suitors.

Legolas and Haldir slowly backed away, their hands held out in front of them. Elrond finally took pity on them, and gestured to a couple of Elven archers, who escorted Veruca and Max to their table.

Breathing a tremendous sigh of relief, Legolas and Haldir made their way back to their seats. Both poured a generous cup of wine, and downed it in one gulp.

Leaning over the table, Elrond said, "I hope this will teach you two a lesson. _NEVER_ screw with me." He chuckled at their expressions, and walked over to where Galadriel and Celeborn were speaking with Thranduil.

"Someday, if it take me all of _eternity_, I will find a way to get even with the pompous, Half-Elven _jackass_!" Legolas swore, his gaze following Elrond.

"I may compete against you in everything else, mellon nin, but in _that_ quest I will be your biggest supporter!" Haldir agreed, his eyes likewise following Elrond.

The musicians struck up their instruments again, music filling the hall. Legolas and Haldir never moved from the head table for the rest of the night. Instead, they spent their time talking quietly between themselves, each trying to top the other's suggestion for the most painful, torturous way to kill Elrond.

They were still at it when dawn broke in the windows of the empty ballroom.

The End

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